Perfectionist Traits

I've been contemplating a career change, but I am paralyzed with fear. The new path would be a completely uncharted one for me. I would need to be highly self-motivated and disciplined, since it would be me and just me making a go of it. I would really like to do work that can be a bit more flexible and done from home, so that I can feel like I can give more to my daughter and the baby on the way. But it means breaking away from what I have worked toward and within for the past 16 years. That scares me to death. And it means getting started now. Keep in mind, I've been contemplating this career change for almost a year.

So in pondering my fear (yes, it is a procrastination technique) I decided to look up an actual definition of "perfectionist," hoping that the reasons for my fear could be discovered within.

From the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary:
1 a: the doctrine that the perfection of moral character constitutes a person's highest good b: the theological doctrine that a state of freedom from sin is attainable on earth
2: a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.

A disposition (natural tendency) to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable. Well, I already knew that. Let's move on.

About.com has an article by Elizabeth Scott, M.S. entitled "Perfectionist Traits: Do These Sound Familiar?"

http://stress.about.com/od/understandingstress/a/perfectionist.htm

Among the ten telltale signs of a perfectionist lurking, these two jumped out at me for obvious reasons: #7 Fear of Failure, which leads to #8 Procrastination. Basically, I worry so much about the possibility of doing less than perfectly that I avoid working toward that goal at all. Hmm...

So, while my label of myself as a perfectionist seems to have been accurately applied (as if there was any real doubt,) I'm not sure that I know what to do now. Perhaps a bit more research...or, perhaps, I could stop thinking about my fear and plow ahead. That's what I would tell anyone else to do. Why can't I apply that advice to myself?

Perfectionist Pregnant...again.

I haven't checked anything off of my list yet. I haven't forgotten about it, or even procrastinated. It's just that (excuse alert! excuse alert!) I have managed to get myself knocked up again. (Yes, it was planned, but I like to play the victim sometimes...)

Having finally rounded the corner of inexplicable exhaustion and nausea, not to mention hours of parenting 2-year-old Miss E. from the couch ("bring that book over to Mommy and I'll read to you") I am able to finally address the list again.

Skydiving? Mountain climbing? Probably not in the cards for a while. But what I have realized is that it's not about these daring, risk-taking adventures. My list was about living my life doing things that I want to do.

Unfortunately, I realize that sitting in a chair all day, alternately reading, napping, sipping red wine and watching indy movies is probably not going to be the most productive way to live my life. After all, there are bills to pay. But I've been slogging my way through my life. At 35, I realize that I have been waiting for my life to start.

This after obtaining a masters degree, solidifying a career, getting married, and starting a family. What, exactly, am I waiting for?

I am waiting for satisfaction. There has got to be something else coming around the corner, right?

Right?

Nope. Life just keeps going, and I'm not enjoying it the way it deserves to be enjoyed. The way I deserve to enjoy it. The way my daughter and son-to-be deserve to be taught to enjoy it. And so, while I may not be physically able to jump out of a plane for a few more months, I can still make sure that each day offers something interesting, something new, or something to be appreciated.

Perfectionist as Dreamer

I think I'm in the midst of a midlife crisis.

Today I dug out from the recesses of my closet the tub of items I've chosen not to throw away for a variety of sentimental reasons. Sitting right on top, just where I expected to find it, was a single-subject notebook I'd dubbed my "Life List."

About ten years ago, I'd moved to a new city to start graduate school. I knew no one, and my friends and family seemed very far away. (It was actually only about an hour and a half's drive, but with my car on the fritz, I was stranded.) Anyway, I found myself at a crossroads. I felt I could do anything, be anyone, and being the organizational freak of nature that I am, I chose to write a list of all of the things I desperately wanted to accomplish before I died. Just in case I forgot, I guess. Or, more likely, so I could feel the endless satisfaction I can derive from checking things off of a to-do list. (I have been known to add things I've just finished, just for the pleasure of ticking them off...but that's a subject for another time.)

• Go skydiving
• Get a Master's degree
• Learn rock climbing
• Write a song
• Write a book
• Become a teacher
• Buy a house
• Travel to...everywhere.
• Get married
• Have children
• Be a Big Sister
• Go hang gliding
• Learn to cook
• Volunteer in a different country
• Learn a new dance
• Learn sign language
• Go jet-skiing
• Go river rafting
• Plant a garden
• Get scuba certified
• Learn to windsurf
• Climb a mountain
• Take pilot lessons
• Backpack on a nearby mountain
• Participate in a triathlon
• Be fluent in another language
• Start a new school
• Swim with dolphins
• Go sea kayaking (recently changed to "become an frequent kayaker with a kayak in my possession.)
• Camp at the Grand Canyon
• Visit all of the national monuments
• Camp in Yellowstone and Yosemite National Parks
• Learn to play the drums
• Ride in a hot air balloon

As I look over this list that I haven't seen in many years, I am surprised by the number of things I've actually accomplished on this list...far more than I expected.

However, I find it humorous and mildly depressing that I am more consumed by the ones that I haven't even attempted. I've always seen myself as an adventurous sport, but I've never sought out the opportunity to do most of the daredevil activities on this list. I have dreamed of travel for so long that I think the fantasy has become sufficient...I've never been anywhere but a handful of states and Canada. *sigh*

I like to think there is still time. But for some strange reason, I feel tied down...job, family, bills, limited financial freedom. It is as though succeeding in some of my goals has made me less likely to succeed in others. Or, perhaps, becoming a "grown-up" has given me the excuses that I need not to attempt things out of my comfort zone.

But my comfort zone is becoming restictive. So, I hereby declare that I am going to start checking things off of this list.

Thinking Blogger Award

Wow! Big thanks to Christina Katz, The Writer Mama, for nominating my blog for the Thinking Blogger Award. I'm honored!

So, now I must limit myself to 5 perfect blogs that make me think...

1. This is a 2-fer: Kim and Jason/kimsblog and Kim and Jason/blog make me think about all of the things I think way too much about.

2. The Smart Woman's Guide to a Simple Life makes me think about ways to find satisfaction in simple things.

3. Cool People I Know makes me think about how important it is to get to know people. I mean, really get to know them. For a shy perfectionist, this is often a challenge.

4. Having Enough makes me think about how wrapped up I get with my own personal drama and makes me wonder...why do I create it for myself?

5. Woulda Coulda Shoulda...because quite frankly, it makes me laugh my *&% off!


Tag! You're it!



Here’s the rules if any of these bloggers choose to accept their mission to share their thinking bloggers of choice:



Should the bloggers choose to participate, please make sure to pass the rules on to the next "Thinking Blogs" you tag.


The participation rules are simple:
1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn’t fit your blog).
This award was began by ilker yoldas at The Thinking Blog. I hope to follow the links to some more great bloggers out there who make us think.

Perfectionist as Scrapbooker

I am an artist trapped in a non-artistic brain.

I want desperately to draw, paint, sculpt, design...but I have this issue of not being able to visualize. In other words, I can't see the final product in my mind. So when I do try, the result always looks horrendous.

Who, me? Judging my work harshly? I know, it sounds unlike me. But alas, it's true.

So I have these friends (oh, yes, you know who you are) who like to get together periodically for massive scrapbooking sessions. Loving the girlfriend time and longing for some artistic skill to rub off on me, I go along occassionally. Here's the kicker: it literally takes me the entire evening, two glasses of wine, and more wasted paper than I care to admit to create one page layout. One. And chances are good that I don't like how it turned out.

Who, me? Yeah, yeah.

I put stickers on, I peel them off. I put new stickers over the places where the paper is now slightly shredded from the old stickers. I get fingerprints and creases on the pictures as I move them from top left to bottom right to center to bottom right again. I painstakingly cut various shapes from lively patterned paper, only to discard them when I realize that the colors don't match exactly.

Once I did a project completely over. Five times.

And so, I confess: I am not, nor will I ever be, a scrapbooker. But I will still go along for the two glasses of wine and girlfriend time.

Perfectionist as housekeeper

Something I've realized over the years is that part of perfectionism is that if something cannot be done perfectly, it is hardly worth the effort.

Thus, I come to confess today...I am a slob.

Yes, I try to keep our house from culturing bacteria, but that's about the best I can do. I look around my lovely home, and all I see is a state of disorder.

"What are you talking about?" asks a friend. "Your house is always clean when I come over!"

True. Have you seen the episode of Friends where a newly cohabitating Chandler discovers his obsessively clean girlfriend Monica's secret closet...the one crammed to the limits with junk? Such are the areas of our house that guests will never see.

Periodically, I clean. And by clean, I mean wade into our piles of *stuff* and start throwing things into a garbage bag haphazardly. Once I've started this process, your best bet is to just stand back. Because until I collapse from exhaustion, I will whirl through every unsuspecting room like a tornado, with little left in my wake.

Perfectionist as parent

I used to be a planner. I would plan, I would strategize, I would troubleshoot potential roadblocks. I made sure we have what we'd need, what we might need, and what we probably wouldn't need any time we left the house.

And then we had a baby.

Now I am Super Planner. I spend days before an outing thinking about when and how we should leave the house, what our schedule will be, and when we will return. I pack more snacks than necessary, bring more outfits than three kids would wear, and carefully select her favorite toys and books. I bring a bag ten times the size of my purse to the grocery store. Why? Just in case. I don't want to be stuck without something. (Never mind the time that the diaper bag was full of everything except diapers. That was just a momentary loss of my faculties.)

Just imagine if we went on an overnight stay!

So last weekend a family member got married. The wedding was held three hours away. I had the brilliant idea that we should drive most of the way the night before (after my poor husband worked a ten-hour day), stay in a cheap hotel, play in the pool the next morning before the wedding, and enjoy not driving six hours in one day.

Stephanie's Super Plan:
7 p.m. Leave home with Baby in her p.j.s and ready for bed.
7:05 p.m.: Baby falls asleep in the car.
9:30 p.m.: Arrive at hotel, gently place baby in portable crib, and enjoy a peaceful night's sleep.
8 a.m.: Enjoy free continental breakfast.
10 a.m.: Play in the hotel pool with Water-Loving Baby.
12 p.m.: Leave hotel.
12:05 p.m.: Baby falls asleep in car and takes a sound, two-hour nap before wedding.
2 p.m.: Enjoy ceremony.
3 p.m.: Enjoy reception.
6 p.m.: Drive home, with Baby sleeping soundly for much of the trip.

The day we were going to leave, I spent the entire day cleaning, packing, and shopping (I actually bought new toys for my daughter, put them in a Ziploc bag, and labelled them "Travel Toys." Yes, that's right.) When my husband got home from work, the car was loaded and we were ready to go. And I was excited! We were going to have so much fun!

7 p.m.: Left home.
9:30 p.m.: Arrive at hotel. Baby has not slept a wink.
10 p.m.: Begin attempts to calm Whirlwind Baby.
11 p.m.: Desperately try to calm Tornado Baby.
11:30 p.m.: Put Hurricane Baby back in car. Drive in circles for forty-five minutes.
12:30 a.m.: Attempt ignoring Apocalypse Baby. She falls asleep in thirty seconds.
1:30 a.m. and 2:30 a.m: Husband soothes Crying Baby.
4:30 a.m.: Bring Crying Baby to bed with us. (By the way, SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!) Baby sleeps for four hours.

The next day proceeded pretty much as planned and, except for the bags under all of our eyes, you would never know that we would have each freely given a limb to have driven the six hours in one day. This was only accentuated when Happy Baby threw up all over me and then spilled red wine on herself and unsuspecting Grandma.

Is there a lesson in here for a perfectionist mama? Probably. But I'm too tired to think about it.